My Love Hate Relationship

So it is that time of year again. The time when I realize how much I both love and hate the season. And I am not talking about the cold since many of you know how much I really do hate cold weather. And by cold I mean 50 or below.

Anyway, my love hate relationship comes because I love Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love to bake and cook, and burn spicy smelling candles, and put up all the decorations. But I also hate the roller coaster of emotions that comes with it. Not only did I suddenly lose my dad to cancer this time of year, but also our precious Angel, Mariah. So this year it is running through my head, what my dad would be making for whom at Christmas time. He was always so sneaky when he would be making something for someone. And what he might think of Xavier and having another grandson. And another grand baby on the way. The other night Michael and i were watching Jeff Dunham's Christmas special on Comedy Central. And for those of you that don't know Jeff Dunham, he is a comedian and ventriloquist. My dad and Michael used to watch Comedy Central all the time on Saturday nights, and they would just belly laugh the whole time. I was laughing so hard the other night, and all I could think of was that dad would have loved that Christmas show. Thought the same thing watching blue collar comedy the other night.

And Mariah would be turning 11 years old on December 17th. Of course she wasn't due until May, but her birthday is the 17th. What would she want? What kind of clothes would she be into? Would she be more like Madison or Syd? Or maybe just herself. What would her class be doing in school this time of year? What would their roll in the Christmas program at school be? Would she want long or short hair and what color it might be? All of these thoughts roll more through my mind this time of year. I do think the holidays bring on emotions as you notice the empty spaces in your heart when family is all together. But also the fact that this is the time of year that we lost them also.

I am sure many of you have noticed the changes I have made on the blog as well. By trying to include Mariah in everything. For the past 11 years, she has been very much a part of our lives, however I fail to include her lots of times. Not trying to forget her, for the meer fact of trying to avoid questions. For instance, people ask how many children you have, do you answer 4 or 5. And if you answer 5 are they going to ask what ages and gender? And if they do, do you have to go through the whole story of how you only have 4 living and 1 deceased and why? I used to thing it would just be easier to answer if I didn't speak of her. However, I feel as if I am not including her to be a part of us. So I am working on doing so yet being comfortable with the possibility that there may be questions.

The kids always ask about her. What she might look like. What her and Madison could be doing. They always go with us to decorate her grave for Christmas and her birthday. I know she is in great hands and also know that she and my dad are the best of buddies. That he loved his grand babies. I wonder if he picks on her like he did Syd and Madison? And at the same time I see my Grandpa Flentie and how he used to pick on my sister and wonder what a time they are having!

Sorry this got so long. My emotional hat is on today. Of course it is grandparents day at school and I don't think that helps. I think about my poor kids and how they have only 1 Grandpa alive. Little Xavier will only know one. And then think back to myself at their age. I had 4 Grandpas, and 5 Grandmas. I just try to teach them to enjoy every moment they have with the ones they got.

If I don't get another post in. Happy Turkey Day to all!