Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!

Yes I know one day late. Believe me I thought of Mariah all day yesterday. I can relive the day she was born and the two days leading up to it perfectly. Actually, I can go back to the Friday before she was born on Wednesday. I remember all too well Dr Evans telling us that her condition was fatal and giving us our options. I remember going with Michael's mom and dad and niece to a basketball game at Linn that night. And the anticipation that on Monday we were going to become parents. That was the longest weekend ever.

I remember my mom and Michael being there with me and Dr Evans telling us he thought it would be quick. I had nothing to eat or drink from midnight the night before. And by Monday night with no changes at all I ask for a meal. And got it! Tuesday came with the same story, no changes. At this point I was thinking a little that maybe we didn't make the right decision. It wasn't until later that I learned that the Dr had told my mom that the heartbeat was gone that morning when he did the sono. So the decision was already made for us. Finally in early hours of Wednesday morning my water was ready to be broke. Dr Morgan Hostetter (Sp) from Australia came in and broke it. From that point on I was dilated to 4, and Mariah's little hand was out of the cervix. But even then it still took forever. I remember later in the afternoon, my nurse, Jeanie, how appropriate, asked if I just wanted to try and push, and of course I did. So Dr Evans was called and Mariah Jeanne was delivered. We got to hold her and love her. They brought us in lotion and teeny tiny clothes to pick out and dress her. She was baptized by Rev Eva Brown. This is how vivid everything is. I even remember the names. And none of this is written down. All from my memory.

I remember to this day the beautiful Christmas tin with the Angel on the lid that my mom bought for us to line with red velvet. This was our little makeshift casket that we made. This is what was recommended by the hospital. She was much too tiny to have a real casket. I remember when they took her from us and we knew we would never see our precious little angel again, until we meet in heaven.

Oh the emotions that run. I am so excited for my cousin and his family. They found out yesterday that they are having a little girl. After four boys, everybody would want a girl! I remember with all of my sono's with my kids, I always wanted to know the sex, but first that everything was fine. That we wouldn't have to relive that horrible dream again. And if you read the comment on the last post, no Monica, you caused no extra pain for us. With time I have learned that no matter how many kids I have I cannot replace Mariah. Not that I have tried, but even with my four wonderful children the void is still there. I have two girls. They haven't by any means taken away the agony for the missing spot in my heart. They say time heals. It does heal, but never takes away the emptiness. I am so happy for you to experience the joy that comes with a daughter. And most of all that you, my sister, Kara, and my sister in law, Amy are all having, at least at this point, healthy babies. And I pray everyday that they all come into this world healthy, along with all other babies being born.

So to you baby girl,

You were with us only a few short, very short, hours. Momma misses you so much and wonders what it would be like for you to be here with us today. Even though your siblings never knew you, they ask about you all the time. I wish you could have stayed with us, but know that you are in a very good place. I hope that you never suffered or had pain. I also know that you are with us in spirit each and every minute. Your special place in our hearts will never be forgotten. We love you so so much and miss you.

Love,

Momma

I am going to leave you with the wreath we had made for her grave this year. I believe she would love it, it is so her.