Happy Birthday Baby Girl!!

Yes I know one day late. Believe me I thought of Mariah all day yesterday. I can relive the day she was born and the two days leading up to it perfectly. Actually, I can go back to the Friday before she was born on Wednesday. I remember all too well Dr Evans telling us that her condition was fatal and giving us our options. I remember going with Michael's mom and dad and niece to a basketball game at Linn that night. And the anticipation that on Monday we were going to become parents. That was the longest weekend ever.

I remember my mom and Michael being there with me and Dr Evans telling us he thought it would be quick. I had nothing to eat or drink from midnight the night before. And by Monday night with no changes at all I ask for a meal. And got it! Tuesday came with the same story, no changes. At this point I was thinking a little that maybe we didn't make the right decision. It wasn't until later that I learned that the Dr had told my mom that the heartbeat was gone that morning when he did the sono. So the decision was already made for us. Finally in early hours of Wednesday morning my water was ready to be broke. Dr Morgan Hostetter (Sp) from Australia came in and broke it. From that point on I was dilated to 4, and Mariah's little hand was out of the cervix. But even then it still took forever. I remember later in the afternoon, my nurse, Jeanie, how appropriate, asked if I just wanted to try and push, and of course I did. So Dr Evans was called and Mariah Jeanne was delivered. We got to hold her and love her. They brought us in lotion and teeny tiny clothes to pick out and dress her. She was baptized by Rev Eva Brown. This is how vivid everything is. I even remember the names. And none of this is written down. All from my memory.

I remember to this day the beautiful Christmas tin with the Angel on the lid that my mom bought for us to line with red velvet. This was our little makeshift casket that we made. This is what was recommended by the hospital. She was much too tiny to have a real casket. I remember when they took her from us and we knew we would never see our precious little angel again, until we meet in heaven.

Oh the emotions that run. I am so excited for my cousin and his family. They found out yesterday that they are having a little girl. After four boys, everybody would want a girl! I remember with all of my sono's with my kids, I always wanted to know the sex, but first that everything was fine. That we wouldn't have to relive that horrible dream again. And if you read the comment on the last post, no Monica, you caused no extra pain for us. With time I have learned that no matter how many kids I have I cannot replace Mariah. Not that I have tried, but even with my four wonderful children the void is still there. I have two girls. They haven't by any means taken away the agony for the missing spot in my heart. They say time heals. It does heal, but never takes away the emptiness. I am so happy for you to experience the joy that comes with a daughter. And most of all that you, my sister, Kara, and my sister in law, Amy are all having, at least at this point, healthy babies. And I pray everyday that they all come into this world healthy, along with all other babies being born.

So to you baby girl,

You were with us only a few short, very short, hours. Momma misses you so much and wonders what it would be like for you to be here with us today. Even though your siblings never knew you, they ask about you all the time. I wish you could have stayed with us, but know that you are in a very good place. I hope that you never suffered or had pain. I also know that you are with us in spirit each and every minute. Your special place in our hearts will never be forgotten. We love you so so much and miss you.

Love,

Momma

I am going to leave you with the wreath we had made for her grave this year. I believe she would love it, it is so her.

Once Again I Need Your Help

I am asking that all of my readers drop a comment to Eileen Huffman. I personally don't know Eileen. I do however know her husband Scott. He was a drug rep when I worked at the hospital in Onaga. Eileen has been battleing breast cancer for quite some time now (years). And when things seemed to take a turn for the worst, with all the prayers being said for her, they now seem to be improving. You can visit her blog by clicking on her name on my side bar. Even if you don't make a comment on her site, please keep her in your prayers, as the chemo she is enduring is very rough on her. Thanks!!

Don't Be Scared

Well, I am thinking now. Yesterday we had more hits than we have ever had in one day. I am totally excited about that. However, not a single sole has made any comments. This is like the only adult interaction I get, being a stay at home mom. I love to hear your comments. Even if I don't know you or you don't know me. My sister in law and brother in law knew several people just through their blog and then felt as if they had known them all along and have actually met several of them in person. It is a great way to make friends, some of which have been through similar trials in life. Which makes for a great support group. I almost feel as if I have scared everyone off. So if you are visiting just leave us a little note. And if you have a blog we will visit and become "friends."

Anyway, just remember to light your candle on Dec 14th.

Oh and I noticed that I didn't post about Syd's 5 year checkup. All is great. She is right on task and achieving above her age level in academics. So all is great.

Needing Your Help

As many of you have probably read in Amy's blog, Kaden and Angel Ava, there is going to be a world wide lighting of candles on December 14th. I ask that all of our readers participate in the event. It is part of the Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting. Compassionate Friends is a foundation that supports family after a child dies. The lighting of the candle unites family and friends around the globe as the candles are lit. You are to light them at 7:00 pm your time and burn them for 1 hour to honor and remember children who have lost their life and gained their wings. By lighting them at 7:00 your time it creates a virtual wave of light around the world. Ironically, this was started in 1997, the same year Mariah was born. Amy has asked for anyone participating to take a picture and send it to her. And I will be taking those pictures as well. If you would like to send me a photo, leave me a comment with an email address and I will get you my email address.

In doing this, and the upcoming birthday the Mariah has on the 17th, I have been putting a lot of thought into posting a photo of her. And I have decided to do so. With that being said, I want to remind all of you that she is very underdeveloped. Her skin was not yet formed, so she had the consistency of thick jello. I know you are probably thinking I am crazy to compare her to that, but the pictures can create lots of questions and uncertainty. Our kids had lots of questions, but none the less they completely understand and are totally in love with their sister. And she was very red when she was born. Also in one of the photos, you can see one of the many cysts she had on the top of her head. But she has such a cute little face. She has the Boeckman pug nose. (That all my kids have) So with that being said, I am posting a photo of her.

Mariah Jeanne, we all miss you so much. It is hard to believe it was almost 11 years ago that you came into this world and took our breath away as you gained your wings. Your siblings ask about you and talk about you all the time and what it would be like if you were still here. I know that you and Grandpa are having a ball up there. And sometimes wonder if you needed Grandpa and that is why it was his time to go. We all love you very much.

Please also light candles for any deceased children you may know. Our angels are, Mariah Boeckman and two other children that were lost as miscarriages Baby Boeckman 2001, and Baby Boeckman 2003, Tye Flentie, and Ava Boeckman. Along with some blogging friends Angel Gabi and Madison Rice. Also we will be including many other friends of our who have lost their lives.

Saying Goodbye is never Easy

Today Michael and I along with my sister Becky, and Michael's brother Nate, went to a friend from High schools funeral. It seems as though not so long ago we were together with him and his family for his sister's funeral. The two of them were only 18 months apart, their date of death that is. His death was very sudden and unexpected. I feel so bad for his family. I was not terribly close with Joe, but his brother was my first love. So during the time I was dating Anthony, I did get to know Joe somewhat, and then did hang with him later in my high school years. He as a very good friend of my sisters. To see the pain his mom and dad were in broke my heart. It is never easy to say good bye no matter the situation. It was really nice to see some friends from high school that we haven't seen for some time though. Not a nice circumstance to have brought us together. R.I.P. Joe. We miss you!

Sydnie is having her 5, yes 5 year checkup tomorrow. Mostly routine, however she has been having spells for about 2 weeks were she is vomiting. Could just be a bug, but were she is fine for several days and then sick out of the blue, I want to have it looked at. Otherwise, just routine, and NO SHOTS! She has already had her Kindergarten shots, so we are lucky there.

The kids have their music program at school tomorrow night. I will try to get some good pictures and post them. I believe the theme this year is a traditional Christmas. So no fancy costumes this year. Maybe I could get a small video to post also.

Well please keep Dean and Terri Luckeroth and their family in your prayers tonight that they may find comfort and strength in each other to get them through the days ahead. Until next time............